Y’all have heard me joke by now that I have just enough astrology understanding to be totally dangerous. And if you are reading my newsletters, I have recommended Spirit Daughter and Jamie Fleres as amazing resources for working with your Astrology, the Moon, and all of her glorious phases. So it won’t surprise you when I say… that last eclipse/full moon bullshit quite literally kicked my ass.
Let me explain. I got the wild hair last month to order the Spirit Daughter bundle which will send me a workbook for each moon phase so that I can be more aware and work with the energies at hand. I had this thought because I am tired of retrospectively being told what happened with the moon AFTER I have had to navigate the chaos and the feels. So, this my friends, was my attempt at being preemptive. So smart! And last month, I happened to be in the deserts of New Mexico at a conference for this epic merging of the Red Moon and the Lunar Eclipse, and to be honest, I started off really excited about it. I got out my workbook, I read through the information, the journaling questions, the yoga flow… ALL of it! I was TOTALLY ready.
As the day of the spectacular event approached, I began to feel a little nervous. I wasn’t exactly sure why and I consciously tried to write it off as the effects of being at such a powerful conference. But the feeling began to amplify and it felt sort of familiar, uncomfortable, but familiar. So I took my journal, my crystals, and my oracle cards and I marched my ass into the Bosque on the Rio Grande, I sat down on a convenient bench, and I asked this feeling to talk to me.
That is when it hit me.
This moon was a Scorpio moon, and I am a Scorpio moon. This moon was about going deeper, deeper into the shadows, deeper into the pain, deeper and deeper. In my little workbook, it had mentioned that it would revisit the wounds of this time last year (when I was deciding to stay in Asheville, but move out of my house), and it was an opportunity to heal a deeper level of this pain. So great, the wounds of my marriage and my relationship with my husband. This little workbook recommended working with my South node (whatever the hell that is) by working with my North node (again, no idea really). So I read my south node, all about getting out of my comfort zone… And then I looked up my North node. And…my fucking North node is Scorpio, the land of depth and intimacy and healing through pleasure, power, sensuality, and sexuality. My MOST uncomfortable places. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
And with that, I suddenly realized the last time I had this feeling. It was right before I headed to Salt Lake City for a class on working with the energetics and neurology of memory. I felt apprehensive like I really didn’t want to go and at the same time, I did want to go.
I wasn’t a few hours into that class when the gates of my own body memory swung open and my sexual trauma from my childhood emerged.
Now let me say, I am pretty good at moving through my life backwards. I like to “back” into an experience. I think I unconsciously do it as a safety mechanism to not be so afraid of what is to come. So I “backed” into this class thinking that I was excited to learn about memory and help my clients with Alzheimers, Dementia, and learning differences. Nowhere in my prepping for this class did I think about the potential of memory and trauma. So when we opened our textbooks and began to talk about abuse, I found myself staring at a sheet of paper with a checklist for symptoms of being abused, physically, emotionally, and sexually. And as I began to mark check after check in my own life I felt the concrete blocks of my reality literally shifting. FUCK FUCK FUCK!
As you can imagine, I had a full-on panic attack, the first of my entire life. I literally ran to the bathroom, curled up in a fetal position, and SOBBED. Now, I knew I didn’t want to be here. How do I get out??? I pulled myself together, marched straight to my teacher and one of my dearest friends, and pulled her aside. And in the way I like to do, I very logically explained that some things had just happened and I believed that I had some MAJOR life trauma coming up and would need to politely bow out of class because unpacking our deepest shit in class is something I firmly stand against.
She sweetly looked at my face and said no.
She said that trauma comes up at exactly the right time in our lives when we are most ready to deal with it. And, I happen to be surrounded by some of the best Energetic Kinesiologists in the world right now, and this is the place to work through it. FUCK FUCK FUCK!
Thank GOD I did. I literally was held, supported, and healed that entire week and I owe much of my progress and ability to navigate today to those humans and that week of my life (I could kiss your face, Leslie Fay!)
So here I am in the desert, feeling that same feeling like something has a hold of my ankles and is intent on pulling me straight to the bottom of the ocean. NOT AGAIN! Whatever it is, I DON’T want to know!!!!
And I knew it was going to be big. Because it was about to ask me to look at where I was holding on to a fraying shred of the strings of my conditioning.
This is the thing. When we get really close to looking at the REAL wound, ALL of our parts start freaking out. And what change requires of us is COMPLETE surrender. Not to just let go of SOME of our conditioning, to let go of ALL of it and TRUST in the infinite stillness between what we knew and who we are becoming.
THIS is a terrifying place. But if we can do it. If we are brave enough to do it. If we are willing to allow our parts to totally freak out and surrender anyway, beyond all of the thoughts and all of the feels. This is where we are most powerful. That thing where I like to talk about SUPERPOWERS. They all come from here.
So I dove, head first, into that ocean of dread, fear, disgust, and anger. That wide expansive ocean of all of my feels.
I gave my salty tears to the desert and my weary hands gave out and I completely let go…
well, I will let you know how it goes…